The Problem with Breasts

And how to solve it...

Breasts really are silly things. Just about every other mammal manages to get by perfectly fine with females that have nice, compact mammary glands which still serve their purpose. Humans, on the other hand, have these huge, heavy, dangly things, situated right where you need to put your upper arm in a lot activities; I have it on the good advice of my female friends that they can get in the way most inconveniently, and generate far too much unwanted jiggling about. Plus, they never seem to be the right size--women with small breasts complain that they're not big enough, and women with large breasts complain that they're too heavy and cumbersome, and attract too much unwanted attention from males. Obviously, something needs to be done.

The solution can be gleaned from an innovation first applied to shoes around the beginning of the 1990s: Pump Technology. Reebok introduced shoes with inflatable cushions that could be adjusted to the desired level of comfort. Likewise, with genetic engineering, we could design females with inflatable breasts. When not needed, they could be safely deflated, leaving the woman free to run about, reach across her chest, and clearly give males a signal that she's not currently interested in any advances. Additionally, since they're inflatable, there's no excess weight to carry about, and thus no worries about back pain and such. When so desired, they could be quickly inflated to the desired level of size, allowing her to achieve exactly the appearance she desires, in a lightweight, bouncy manner which requires no brassiere for support. The feasibility of such a system is quite good, due to the proximity of the breasts to the lungs, providing a convenient source for the air needed for inflation. While undergarment manufacturers might dislike such a liberating change, the advantages to everyone else are clear. Thus, it is imperative that our bioengineers get to work on providing this revolutionary solution to our future daughters.

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© Andrés Santiago Pérez-Bergquist, All rights reserved. The reproduction of this work, by any means electronic, physical, or otherwise, in whole or in part, except for the purposes of review or criticism, without the express written consent of the author, is strictly prohibited. All references to copyrighted and/or trademarked names and ideas held by other individuals and/or corporations should not be considered a challenge to said copyrights and trademarks.

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