Santiago's List of Quotes

From the Inane to the Profound


Here's a list of various interesting, memorable, funny, insightful, or just plain weird quotes from anywhere and everywhere. Those with known singular authors are attributed where possible. Feel free to steal liberally for .sig blocks...


Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good dipped in chocolate.

"Here at Artillery Command we have at our diposal hundred megawatt laser beams, mach 20 titanium rods and guided thermonuclear bombs. Some people say we think that we're God. We're not God. We just borrowed his SMITE button for our fire control system."

As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life--so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. -- M. Cartmill

Practice atheism, the religion of the gods!

He who fights and runs away lives to stab his enemies in the back another day.

"We are Dyslexic of Borg. Resistance is Futile. Prepare to have your ass laminated."

Borger King: We do it our way. Your way is irrelevant. Condiments are futile.

If we were meant to run around naked, we'd be born that way!

Boxing is like a ballet, except that there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food With Sticks. The traditional and typical of Chinese glonous history and cultual." -- Common Chopstick Wrapper

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage with a special sauce.

Confucius say: Today is good day to go moose-hunting with belly dancer. -- Actual fortune from a fortune cookie I received from some Chinese restaurant in San Francisco

I'm going to develop some willpower, but not today. Today, I'm going to read a book while recovering from the half block of chocolate I just ate.

I am a trained professional. Do not try this at home.

"Do monomaniacal paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might *be* the dog that's out to get them?"

Don't try this at home, kids. Go to a friend's house, so they'll catch hell instead of you.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea--massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it." -- spaf@cs.purdue.edu (1992)

If you think mathematics is the universal language, try using a differential equation to tell an Eskimo his pants are on fire...

"Lo, and ye who owneth PowerMacs shall bind the Fantasm, and walk as gods among men." -- Book of Diane 3:10

x^n + y^n = z^n has no integer solutions other than 0 for n>2.
I have a wonderful proof, but this sig block is too small to hold it.

Reporter: Mr Ghandi, what do you think of western civilization?
Ghandi: I think it would be a very good idea.

"You can't win the game with government cheese." -- James Ernest

A recent government study shows that too much money is spent on studies to discover the bleedingly obvious.

Guns don't kill people, bullets do.

Hubris is stealing the fire of the gods. Chutzpah is offering to sell it back.

"The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity." -- Voltaire

  /\   This message brought to you by The Illuminati:
 /()\ 
/____\ Someone you trust is one of us...

Internet chatting will whittle away precious hours of your life on conversations so inane and so ungrounded in reality it makes Pauly Shore seem erudite and entertaining.

Jailing someone to keep them from ruining their life with drugs is like burning a village to save it.

Saying Windows is like a Mac is like seeing a potato that looks like Jesus and claiming you've witnessed the second coming. -- Guy Kawasaki

"And on the seventh day, Kobal made the road, with a right side and a left side, and he placed the chicken on the left side, and the fowl crossed, and it wath funny."

A recent study shows that research causes cancer in lab rats.

People who speak three languages are trilingual, people who speak two are bilingual, and people who speak one are American.

Life is not a rehearsal; try and get it right the first time.

Life is like a potato, it's hard, it's bumpy, and it blows up if you stick it in the microwave.

Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"

The meek shall inherit the Earth; the rest of us will colonize the galaxy.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. -- H.L. Mencken

Morning people are respected; night people are feared...

I survived natural selection. Will you?

I thought I had invented a new color the other day, but it turned out to be a pigment of my imagination.

No regrets. Remember the past, learn from it, and move on. Those who live in the past ignore the possibilities of the future.

Working with Macintosh is like a tickling match with your spouse.
Working with Unix is like wrestling with a worthy opponent.
Working with Windows is like attacking a small whining child who's secretly packing a .38.

While others were busy thinking outside the box, I cut up the box because I needed cardboard bits for the project I was making.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they *aren't* out to get you.

Even the plainest of women is beautiful when you're in love with her.

Politics: formed from the Greek "poly", meaning many and "ticks", meaning disgusting blood-sucking creatures.

"Bother", said the Borg, "We've assimilated Pooh."

"Bother", said Pooh. "Eeyore, ready two photon torpedos and lock phasers on the Heffalump. Piglet, meet me in transporter room three."

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda nifty...

Push me once, and I tell you to stop it politely.
Push me twice, and I push you back and really tell you to stop it.
Push me three times, and I beat the unliving crap out of you.

It is better to regret doing something than to regret not doing it.

Never discuss religion, politics, or operating systems. You'll convince no one and anger everyone.

One of the main causes of the decline of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

"But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the East,
and Juliet is AAAHHH THE SUN!!!" *PHOOM!* -- Romeo the Vampire

Just because sandcastles are ephemeral and doomed to be washed away, doesn't mean we shouldn't build them, for they are still beautiful and fun to build. Life itself is not very different.

Sex is a seasoning best used to spice love, and not consumed alone.

How funny you find most things is inversely proportional to the square of how much sleep you've had.

Are you a sleep addict? Do you sleep alone? Are you irritable if you haven't slept for several days?

Smith & Wesson: The original point & click interface

Parodying japanimation is like starving Soviet peasants, in Leningrad, in 1942. It doesn't take a lot of effort because 90% of the work is already done for you and lots of people end up dead.

"Soylent Green is still made of people! They said they were going to change the recipe, but they lied!" -- Soylent Green II

"Never trust a statistic you didn't fake yourself." -- Winston Churchill

Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words can break your heart.

Sunrise is nature's way of telling you it's bedtime.

Thunder is nature's way of telling you to save.

There are two types of people--I'm not either of them.

Men age like wine; women age like meat. -- Lynn Wang

Y-Toupee: Official Hairpiece of the (False) Millennium!

You'll go to Heck if you don't believe in Gosh.

"If you give a man a fire, he will be warm for a day, but if you set him on fire, he will be warm for the rest of his life."



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© Andrés Santiago Pérez-Bergquist, All rights reserved. The reproduction of this work, by any means electronic, physical, or otherwise, in whole or in part, except for the purposes of review or criticism, without the express written consent of the author, is strictly prohibited. All references to copyrighted and/or trademarked names and ideas held by other individuals and/or corporations should not be considered a challenge to said copyrights and trademarks.

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