We all have some friend who likes to relay every half-assed chain letter they get their hands on. Send them a copy of this with the subject "READ THIS! YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!!!!", and maybe they'll get the hint... (For your convenience, I've provided this link to a nicely formatted plain-text version of it for pasting into an e-mail.)
Take this chain letter seriously! (hmmphhh....) It must be important--it's already gone around the world 97 times (whatever the Hell that means)!
You must send this to 293 people within the next 3 minutes and 19 seconds or else you will drop dead right in front of your monitor.
DON'T LAUGH!!!!! THIS HAS HAPPENED TO THOUSANDS OF MORONS WHO IGNORED THIS MESSAGE!!! IT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU TOO IF YOU THROW THIS AWAY!
Read these letters from several victims:
To whom it may concern (and that means you):
I was just lazily checking my email one day and got a copy of this letter. I thought it was a stupid piece of crap, like all those other chain letters, so I trashed it. Three minutes and twenty seconds later, my monitor overheated and exploded, driving glass shards into my brain. It really hurt and stuff. In fact, it killed me. Now I'm dead. Being dead sucks. Don't let it happen to you. Send this letter now!
Three Mile Island, Pennsylvania
I too was one of the many people who recieved this letter, and I ignored it. Sad to say, I developed a fatal brain aneurysm in exactly 200 seconds. Fortunately, as is the custom of my people, I was buried with all my worldly possessions, including my Powerbook with the cellular modem. My spirit possessed my dead fingers to take control of my portable and spread the word, and I was miraculously resurrected. Now, I just wish someone would dig me up before the air runs out...
I. M. Diyeng
Last Gasp, Kansas
What is this crap? Chain letters are for schmucks! We don't need no stinking chain letters! Damn morons filling my mail box with garbage all the time! Got half a mind to mail-bomb you. In fact, watch me trash your stupid message. See, I'm still just fi....uhhhhhh...help...arghh..ug....
<End Of Transmission>
Dear Cultmaster Al,
Oh, man, like, I wish I had listened to you and stuff. When I got this, I like started cussing and stuff. I was, like, gonna trash it when my parents called me to lunch and stuff. I was like eating a ham sandwich when I started choking. I tried to hock it out and stuff but before I knew it I was in hell. It's too hot and it sucks down here. Send me some ice cream please.
Ross Ted Elive
But it doesn't have to be that way! Listen to the amazing positive response we have had:
Dear Savior of my Life,
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Without you, I would be dead! When I got your letter, I was about to leave for work. But, I knew it was important, so I sent out letters to everyone I knew. Even though I pulled a muscle and gave myself carpal tunnel syndrome from sending out all those emails so fast, I only had 292 friends! However, I had a holy vision and He provided me with another email address to send to! After three minutes and 18 seconds, I had finished. Although it cost over $60,000 in reconstructive surgery and therapy to heal me, it was worth it. I know that if I had gone to work that day, something terrible would have happened to me on the way. Your message delayed me and let the evil pass, leaving me unharmed. Hallelujah!
Billy Joe Jim Bob
To the most wonderful person I know,
You are the best, Al! When I recieved your email, I was distressed. 293 people in 3 minutes and 19 seconds is a bit much. But for circumstances like these, I have a list of 5013 people to whom I can send email. Using my automated super power user scripts, I was able to send a personalized copy of your message to all of them in 4 seconds over my T3 line (which only costs the gross national profit of a small nation each month). Feeling safe, I went to bed. In the morning, there was a million dollar bill stuck to my forehead with crazyglue. I automatically knew that this was a gift from you for my dedication. I still haven't gotten it off, but people give me stuff anyway. This is so great! I love you, Al!
Rolling in dough,
Tahiti, South Seas
So, have these amazing REAL-LIFE testimonials convinced you yet? Are you quaking with fear at the unimaginable consequences of ignoring this letter? Do the possibilites of outlandish rewards make you giddy with excitement? Well, come on, get moving!
REMEMBER, YOU ONLY HAVE 3 MINUTES AND 19 SECONDS TO COMPLY, AND THAT'S STARTING FROM WHEN YOU FIRST SAW THIS LETTER!!! YOU'VE PROBABLY ALREADY SPENT 3 MINUTES READING THIS DAMN THING!!! YOU'RE GONNA CROAK FOR SURE!!! HOPE YOU HAVE A T3 LINE AND A GOOD CHIROPRACTOR!!!
LORD OF THIS SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE,
(AND YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!!)
CULT MASTER AL
P.S. - DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO FIX A BROKEN CAPS LOCK KEY?
© Andrés Santiago Pérez-Bergquist, All rights reserved. The reproduction of this work, by any means electronic, physical, or otherwise, in whole or in part, except for the purposes of review or criticism, without the express written consent of the author, is strictly prohibited. All references to copyrighted and/or trademarked names and ideas held by other individuals and/or corporations should not be considered a challenge to said copyrights and trademarks.
If you wish to contact the author, you may do so at